How To Improve Communication In Your Relationship
Relationships can be tough! I've heard a lot of people say things like "if you find the right one, it should be easy" or "I shouldn't have to work this hard in the relationship." Hang on while I grab my bullshit flag to wave around. Are some relationships easier than others? — Well yeah, but I would argue that no matter how "easy" the relationship seems, it requires work and effort from both partners at all times.
Communication issues are one of the top reasons couples seek relationship counseling. Sometimes communicating with your spouse can be as challenging as putting together furniture with instructions in a different language. Maybe you’re arguing more than you’re connecting, or maybe you’re not arguing at all because one of you shuts down before the other gets a word in. Sound familiar? If so, you’re not alone. With the right tools and mindset, you can learn how to communicate effectively and deepen your connection, whether that be emotional and/or physical (you know what I'm talking about and you're welcome in advance).
In this blog, we’ll talk about common communication pitfalls, strategies to improve communication in your relationship, and why counseling might be the key to getting back on the same page.
Why Communication in Relationships Is Harder Than It Sounds
Let’s start with the obvious: communication in relationships is more than just talking. It’s about listening, understanding, seeing your partner's perspective, and responding in a way that builds connection rather than tearing it down. But when emotions run high, or when past hurts haven’t been addressed, even the simplest conversation can turn into a clusterfuck.
Here are a few reasons communication in relationships often breaks down:
Unspoken Expectations: You expect your partner to just know what you need without actually saying it. I can't even count how many times I have heard someone say "I shouldn't have to tell him/her……." And my response is typically "why? How do they know…….?" I really hate to be the one to rain on your parade, but your partner LITERALLY cannot read your mind.
Different Communication Styles: One of you wants to talk everything out right now, while the other needs time to process and regulate their emotions. When you're the partner that wants to talk things through right away but the conversations never happen immediately it seems unfair right? But what is really unfair for you, is forcing your partner into a conversation they are not ready to have and then you end up getting hurt by their words before they have had time to calm down and think about what they want to communicate.
Past Experiences: Unresolved trauma or negative patterns from previous relationships can sneak into your current one. This is extremely unfair to both you and your spouse. Although it is natural for past experiences to impact our current relationship is does not help cultivate a happy and healthy relationship with our current partner.
Stress and Burnout: Life gets busy, and when you’re running on empty, communication is often the first thing to go.
Skills to Improve Communication in Your Relationship
So, what does “healthy communication” actually look like? It’s not about winning arguments or making your partner see things your way. It’s about creating a space where both of you feel heard, understood, and respected.
Here are some strategies to get started:
1. Active Listening
Most of us listen to respond, not to understand. Active listening means putting down your phone, maintaining eye contact, and really focusing on what your partner is saying. Repeat back what you heard to make sure you got it right.
Example:
Partner A: “I feel like you don’t appreciate the things I do around the house.”
Partner B: “You’re saying you feel unappreciated for the effort you put in. Is that right?”
2. Use “I” Statements
Instead of pointing fingers, focus on how you feel and what you need.
Instead of: “You never help with anything around here.”
Try: “I feel overwhelmed when I’m handling everything on my own. I’d really appreciate your help.”
When using I statements, structure the sentence in this way: "I feel (emotion word) when (explanation)" followed by a request.
Using “I statements” helps prevent our spouse from immediately getting defensive during conversations.
3. Timing Matters
If you’re already upset, it’s probably not the best time to have a serious conversation. Wait until you’re calm, and make sure your partner is in a good headspace too. I always tell clients of mine to make sure the conversation is happening at an appropriate and convenient time for both partners. You might be asking 'when is an appropriate and convenient time for serious conversations?' It will depend on your lifestyle and work schedules (and of course- whether or not you have kids).
Here's an example of an inconvenient or inappropriate time to initiate a serious conversation: in the morning when your spouse is running late for work and trying to make their coffee before heading out the door.
4. Set Ground Rules for Arguments
Disagreements are inevitable, but how you handle them makes all the difference. Agree to rules like no name-calling, no cursing at one another, no interrupting, and no bringing up the past as ammo.
5. Ask, Don’t Assume
If you’re not sure what your partner means, just ask. Assumptions are the quickest way to a misunderstanding.
Therapy to Improve Communication in Your Relationship
Sometimes, even with the best intentions, communication issues feel impossible to tackle on your own. That’s where couples counseling comes in.
Here’s what therapy can do for your relationship:
Neutral Ground: A therapist provides a safe, nonjudgmental space for both of you to share your thoughts and feelings. The therapist can also kindly point out when one or both partners are using ineffective communication skills and help you get back on the effective communication train.
Skill-Building: Learn practical communication strategies tailored to your relationship dynamic. You will get the chance to practice these skills in your counseling session in order to receive feedback from your therapist.
Addressing Root Causes: Unresolved trauma, stress, or past hurts often play a role in communication struggles. Therapy helps you unpack and heal those wounds.
Rebuilding Trust: If miscommunication has caused resentment or distance, therapy can help repair that connection.
For more information on couples counseling, you can read my other blog post titled “The Role of Couples Counseling in Strengthening Partnerships”.
Common Questions About Couples Counseling
Q: What if my partner doesn’t want to come to therapy?
A: It’s not uncommon for one person to be hesitant. You can start by attending on your own to learn tools that benefit your relationship. Sometimes, seeing the positive changes in you can inspire your partner to join.
Q: How long does couples counseling take?
A: Every relationship is different, but many couples see significant improvements within 6–12 sessions. Some choose to continue longer for deeper work.
Q: Do we have to be on the verge of breaking up to go to therapy?
A: Absolutely not! Counseling is most effective when you address issues early, rather than waiting for a crisis.
Improving communication in your relationship doesn’t happen overnight, but small changes can lead to big results. Remember, you and your partner are on the same team. With the right tools—and maybe a little help from a therapist—you can turn things around and feel more connected than ever.
If you’re ready to start improving communication and strengthening your relationship, I’d love to help. Schedule a free phone consultation today, and let’s talk about how counseling can make a difference.
Because at the end of the day, it’s not about being perfect—it’s about being better, together.
Looking to connect with a couples therapist who can help you improve communication in your relationship?
Take the first step towards improving the communication in your relationship.
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